“I see that people living with dementia still have the potential to inspire us, teach us, love us, heal us, amuse us, befriend us, calm us, touch us, energize us, enlighten us, empower us, forgive us, nurture us, open our hearts, bring out the best in us, and bring meaning and purpose into our lives.”
Reverend Dr. Jade Angelica
One of the truly great joys of being involved in Pastoral Care Ministry is that you never know what may happen in an individual encounter. Whether it is bringing the Eucharist to the sick in hospitals, a parishioner needing a ride to a doctors appointment, sharing insights with people who have suffered a recent loss in our Bereavement Group at our parish, or taking the time to visit seniors in assisted living and nursing home facilities, you can find the blessings of God’s abundant graces in virtually every setting. I have found great comfort in Pastoral Care ministry and often when I leave the individual experience, I feel energized and more excited about what graces may follow in my next encounter. But two recent experiences visiting my Mom and her friends at the Allendale Community for Senior Living really capture the blessings and inner peace pastoral care can provide.
Mom is 91 years old and her dementia has progressed significantly since being diagnosed about 18 months ago. Initially, it was a case of what is often referred to as “sundowners syndrome”, a form of dementia or Alzheimers disease where the effects become more pronounced as the day unfolds. But in recent months, Mom has moved past that stage and trying to connect with her and her memory have become more challenging. But I have always relished a challenge and the pastoral care approach to people who suffer from dementia and Alzheimers has changed significantly in recent years. (For an excellent review of different approaches to treating dementia, please see “The Comforting Fiction of Dementia Care” by Larissa MacFarquhar, The New Yorker Magazine, October 8, 2018). I have experienced those really difficult days where it is much harder to connect with my Mom and where she is not always sure who I am. There have been those visits where Mom cannot remember what she had just said to me 15 minutes earlier in the conversation and so she will repeat the same question or what we just discussed. Of course, these types of interactions can be quite emotionally draining but what I always try and look for in any conversation is that one pearl, that one moment where I can break through and connect with Mom in a way that she can remember not only who I am, but also some of those wonderful moments in her earlier life.
My first breakthrough experience with Mom happened in mid-September. I knew it would be a difficult visit because it was the late afternoon and Mom initially didn’t recognize me when I walked into her room. So I started telling her about my day and a recent visit I had with a nutritionist and how she had recommended that I eat 9-13 servings of fruit and vegetables a day. As I was talking, Mom just stared at me expressionless but I continued with my story. I told her that I had only been able to find 8 fruits and vegetables that I really enjoyed and so I proceeded to rattle off each one — “bananas, strawberries, blueberries, spinach, tomatoes, lettuce, string beans, and broccoli”. As I finished detailing the 8 fruits and vegetables in my diet, all of a sudden Mom said, “What about the Peas?” Wow, what a moment! Mom and I had struck gold because peas in the Kirnan family had a storied history, kind of like former President George Herbert Walker Bush’s dislike of broccoli — remember that one? So I took the opening that Mom had given me and said, “Mom, remember all the times you would send Dennis (my late older brother) and I to bed because we wouldn’t eat our peas at dinner?” I had finally broken through with Mom and she broke out in laughter and connected with me and the happy experience of being a Mom to my brother and I. Soon, we were trying to calculate how many times Dennis and I were actually sent to bed for not eating — we settled on an estimate of once a week for 2- 3 years — thats alot of peas we threw out! We then reminisced about how over the years the Kirnan family would refer to peas as “the bally-heads” — BTW, I am laughing out loud as I just wrote that!
Last month, I had a similar experience visiting Mom for Sunday Mass and lunch. She ordered a tuna fish sandwich as we sat at the dining table with her three girlfriends. She asked me to cut the sandwich into 4’s to make it easier for her to eat. She still had trouble picking up the sandwich so I held it for her as she took her first bite. So I the asked her “How’s the tuna Mom?” Without hesitation, Mom turned to me and said “Jack, this chicken is horrible”. Even though she got confused in that moment between tuna and chicken, we shared a laugh about that and it opened up the door for a beautiful memory as I reminded Mom of all the fun times that she would come home from work for lunch with my sister Cathy and my sweet Aunt Sue. They would either have tuna fish or egg salad sandwiches for their lunch. As I shared that experience, Mom’s eyes brightened as she remembered those wonderful days. Soon, we were talking about how much she loved my sister Cathy and her sister Sue and the joy that working at the Valley Hospital in Ridgewood, NJ and for several doctors had given her during her career. Sadly, she would not remember that joyful experience or the one from September, but in each of those moments Mom was happy, she was alive, and I had connected with her and our life together. Of course on most days, we don’t experience these kind of breakthrough moments, but when they do occur, I am incredibly grateful for the blessings that the pastoral care encounter can provide me and the wonderful people I have the privilege to interact with.
I close this reflection with the hope that is offered to all of us from Psalm 71:
“And now that I am old and gray-headed, O God, do not forsake me,
Till I make known your strength to this generation
And your power to all who are to come…
You have showed me great troubles and adversities,
But you will restore my life
And bring me up again from the deep places of the earth.”
Psalm 71
Wishing my clients, my former colleagues, and my friends and family the inner peace we all seek,
Dr. K
