“Therefore, keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come.” Matthew 24:42
My Cannonball Moment — Saturday Afternoon July 15, 2017 — Tightness in My Chest
It seemed like any other hot July weekend at the Jersey Shore. It was 4pm and I had just finished cutting the lawn and began trimming some of the branches hanging from our trees that needed pruning. Suddenly, I felt severe tightness in my chest and began to have difficulty breathing. I knew immediately that something wasn’t right, so I called my cardiologist who agreed to meet me first thing on Monday morning where he conducted an EKG, an echocardiogram, and a stress test before being admitted to the University of Pennsylvania’s Hospital in Philadelphia, PA. A cardiac catheterization followed several days later and with it the news that my left anterior descending coronary artery (LAD) — the largest artery supplying more than 50% of the heart’s blood — was 85% blocked requiring the placement of a stent. After the procedure, I can vividly recall Dr. Hermann telling me “Jack, you are lucky to be alive” as the LAD is commonly referred to as “the widow maker”.
I struggled initially with accepting this unexpected change in my life, knowing my mortality was now front and center. At 62, I wasn’t ready to leave the world as I had known it with a long list of things that I still wanted to do which were now in potential jeopardy. Acclimating to my new reality hasn’t been easy as I have had two additional cardiac catheterizations at UPenn since that initial Cannonball strike in 2017 — one in July 2020 and the other just a couple of weeks ago. Thankfully, there were no additional blockages that required additional stents or open-heart surgery, but I have had to adapt to a different way of life, one that carries a heightened level of anxiety that more stents and surgery are likely in my future.
The term “Cannonball Moment” has a rich history in Ignatian Spirituality and stems from the story of St. Ignatius of Loyola – the founder of the Jesuits – being struck by a cannonball during the Battle of Pamplona in 1521, setting in motion a profound transformation in his life. Like Ignatius, each of us experience “cannonball moments” in life but not necessarily with the same force or shock as his or my own cannonball strike. Sometimes, the Cannonball Moment occurs gradually over time like a gentle whisper or silent breeze. But whether a shock or a whisper, Cannonball Moments can help us uncover the essence of who we are, of what we can still learn from others, and most importantly, who God may be calling us to be in the future. Such moments can become points of conversion turning us away from one way of being towards a new chapter in life that can lead to a clearer path of healing, reconciliation, and renewal.
An Opportunity to Rebalance the Resume and Eulogy Virtues
With the benefit of hindsight and God’s grace, my Cannonball Moment helped me realize that I needed to refocus my life on both the giftedness as well as the needs of those loved ones in my community — my family, my friends, the many clients who I am privileged to coach, and especially to the many parishioners I am invited to walk with as a Bereavement and Grief Counselor. In this the fourth quarter of my life, I now know it’s no longer about building that large container filled with what David Brooks calls the “resume virtues” in his best-selling book “The Road to Character”; no, the fourth quarter of life for me is much more about what Brooks coined the “eulogy virtues”, those values that people will remember you for and which are much deeper, touching on your compassion, your capacity to love, and the nature and depth of your relationships. God gifted me my own Cannonball Moment to remind me from Scripture that “we know not the day or the hour” when the Lord will come knocking and the realization that it’s not just what we choose to do every day, but to examine more deeply why we do what we do every day and how we show up for other people in our life? He’s given me a chance to discern more clearly whether my values are truly aligned with becoming the best version of myself and who He is calling me to be at this moment in my life.
The Blessings of My Cannonball Moment
Reflecting deeply on my Cannonball Moment, I look back with an abundance of gratitude for the many precious experiences that I otherwise would not have experienced like:
- The opportunity to care for my mom an additional two and half years before she passed in November 2019.
- Witnessing the birth of our three grandchildren.
- My wife and I walking our daughter Katie down the aisle in our backyard for her wedding.
- Being more present for each member of my family during the challenges of living through a global pandemic.
- Becoming a Bereavement Counselor and Grief Educator, the most meaningful work and ministry I have ever been engaged in.
- A second chance to refocus, reprioritize, and improve several important relationships in my life that needed healing and reconciliation.
- Walking the Camino de Frances to Santiago de Compostela in 2021, the most transformative spiritual experience of my life.
- A deeper appreciation for the importance of mental health support and services.
- Taking the time every day to probe more deeply and intentionally to that question I long avoided “Lord, help me to know what you want so I can want what you want and do what you want.”
So how about for you, have you discerned your own Cannonball Moments that shifted your life’s course?
- What moments have been catalysts for change, for self-discovery, for challenge, and for personal growth?
- What changes have those moments invited you to pursue?
- What people helped you move in that new direction and how have you responded to that challenge?
- What core values encouraged you to seek that change?
- When did you realize that God had used something difficult or painful to set you on a better course?
As pilgrims, we are always people on the move and it’s important to remember that it’s not about getting to the destination but more about what happens to us along the way when our cannonball moments strike us. In such moments, we can lean on the grace of God and be reborn in the aftermath, finding purpose in what comes next and harness our cannonballs into a force for good. We can’t change what happens to us, but we can choose to let our cannonball moments transform us for the better as well as for the people in our lives and in the communities, we love and serve.
Wishing my clients, fellow coaches, colleagues, and friends the gift of God’s abundant blessings, Dr. K
