John Kinsella: “It’s so beautiful here.”
Ray Kinsella: “Well for me it’s like a dream come true.”
John Kinsella: “Can I ask you something? Is this
heaven?”
Ray Kinsella: “It’s Iowa!”
John Kinsella: “Iowa?”
Ray Kinsella: “Yeah!”
John Kinsella: “I could have sworn it was heaven.”
Ray Kinsella: “Is there a heaven?”
John Kinsella: “Oh yeah! It’s the place dreams come
true.”
Ray Kinsella: “Maybe this is heaven!”
A memorable scene from the movie, Field of Dreams (1989).
The Camino Frances Experience: A Taste of Heaven and What Real Life Could Be?
That touching dialogue referenced above from the movie Field of Dreams perfectly captures the deep emotions and intense feelings that I experienced during my 34-day pilgrimage along the Camino de Santiago (The Way of St. James). The route I took was the Camino Frances and I began my journey on September 1st in St. Jean de Pied a Port, France. I would ultimately take more than 1.2 million steps and walk 484 miles across Spain before reaching my destination at the Cathedral of St. James in Santiago de Compostela on October 4th. The Camino Frances was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, challenging me both physically and emotionally like none of the 6 marathons and several triathlons I had competed in during an earlier period of my life. Yet, the Camino blessed me in more ways than I could have ever imagined, strengthening my faith and my relationship with the Lord as I placed the anxieties I have always had about my future in the rear view mirror where they belong and finally let go of those heavy burdens from my past, including my sins, the regrets, the shame, the disappointments, and the grief that permeates those painful losses we all experience during this life. The end result of my pilgrimage is that the heavy backpack I’ve been carrying for so many years seems to be much lighter now with God’s call to focus all of my energies and talents on being in the now and enjoying every precious moment that may come my way; to be super grateful for God’s graces in allowing me to just be my real true and authentic self; and, to joyfully embrace whatever gift of time I may have left in this life for my wife, my children, my grandchildren, my extended family, and the many great friends, colleagues, and clients who have blessed my life in so many ways.
There were countless times during my Camino pilgrimage where I would say to myself just as Ray Kinsella had in the movie Field of Dreams — “Is this heaven?” because for me and the other Pilgrims it felt as if we were experiencing what heaven must really be like and the way my own life back in New Jersey and society at large could be. I was able to meet many Pilgrims from all over the world — China, South Korea, Australia, Ireland, the Netherlands, Belgium, England, France, Spain, Portugal, Germany, Hungary, Croatia, Bulgaria, Lithuania, Canada, and the United States. Random acts of kindness and generosity were in abundance throughout the 34 day pilgrimage, with one Pilgrim always helping another in any way they could, greeting you with a simple “Buen Camino”, that endearing term that simply means “good walk” or “good way”. Some of the Pilgrims I met were young and some were even older than me. They were men and women of varying shapes and sizes with different levels of fitness and experience in hiking with each Pilgrim learning to walk at their own pace, not someone else’s pace.
In walking the Camino de Santiago, I discovered that special place where everyone was truly your brother and sister and where equality reigned supreme with no distinctions about a Pilgrim’s age, race, gender, sexual orientation, or economic class. Rather, the Camino was just that simple place where each Pilgrim would look out for their fellow Pilgrims, sharing the true Gospel message of Matthew 22: 39 “thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself” and sharing a common experience of just trying to find their own “Way” in the world. Some people like me were walking the Camino for religious reasons or seeking a deeper spirituality in their daily life; others came after suffering a setback, a hardship, or a painful loss in their life; still other Pilgrims had come because of how the pandemic had impacted their daily work/life balance and hoping that the Camino could help them discern a new “Way” forward; some Pilgrims were more of the adventurous type wanting to test the limits of their physical endurance; and then there were the other wonderful Pilgrims I met who had come to the Camino for no specific reason at all but who knew deep inside they just had to come at this moment in their lives and look for inspiration and what many Pilgrims have referred to as Camino Magic to figure things out on their way to Santiago de Compostela.
Phase 1 of My Camino — Testing My Physical Threshold of Pain
I departed for France on August 30th and felt that I was in pretty good shape for the challenges that were ahead of me having trained extensively for many months with a regimen that included walking at least 8-10 miles a day with at least one longer walk a week of 15 miles. I also had been swimming laps at our local pool 4-5 days a week averaging ½ mile per day. What I was unsure of was how the terrain of the Camino itself and its many steep elevation changes might impact my feet and body as I had done virtually all of my walking on the NJ Shore boardwalk and other relatively flat ground surfaces.
My first day of the Camino Frances was a 15 mile walk from St. Jean Pied de Port to Roncesvalles, Spain which is arguably the most difficult walk of the entire Camino Frances. I began my walk in a torrential downpour that significantly reduced my visibility, unleashing major anxiety at the more than 4,000 foot elevation ascent that was ahead of me and for which I suddenly felt ill-prepared for. Several hours later, I stopped for coffee at an albergue in Orisson and made the hardest but also the best decision of my entire Camino. Many other Pilgrims like me were also feeling challenged by the rain and the steep ascent up the Pyrenees and fearful of not being able to make it the rest of the way to Roncesvalles which was still 5-6 hours away. As many of us talked things through, the albergue’s owner called us a taxi which took us to the next hostel in Roncesvalles. I was initially crushed by that disappointment of not making it there on my own but I learned very quickly that everyone’s Camino is different and unique and that it’s important to listen to what your mind and your body are telling you throughout the experience. Looking back, I am so grateful that I made that decision on Day 1 because I was able to finish each of the remaining 33 stages and I’ll never know what may have happened had I decided to try and walk all the way to Roncesvalles. As I finished Day 2 from Roncesvalles to Akerreta, my friend Steve, a dentist from Tampa, Florida reminded me that I would get stronger with each additional Stage and to leave that disappointment behind. Steve also provided me with some needed inspiration to alleviate some of that initial anxiety I had experienced on that first day of the walk saying to me “Jack, remember all you have to do on any given day is to walk and make it to the next albergue that you will be staying at that night”. I never got the chance to thank Steve for all he did that day but I will always be grateful to him for helping me when I really needed it.
Even though you are getting stronger with each stage you complete, you also begin to realize that the physical challenge of the Camino stems from both the ever changing terrain of wooded tracks, gravel paths, rocky trails, single-wide rural roads, cobblestone streets, and paved thoroughfares as well as the many steep elevation changes that can cause painful blisters or in my case, the onset of plantar fasciitis. One of my happiest moments during this physical phase of the Camino was on Day 4 from Pamplona to Puente La Reina when an extremely kind and generous young woman named Esil offered me the juiciest and most delicious peach I had ever tasted in my life as I and other Pilgrims were taking a break from the stifling heat and the difficult climb up to Alto de Perdon (the Hill of Forgiveness).
After taking some photos and video at one of the Camino’s most famous sites, I began to struggle through what was now a long and very steep descent to Akerrata until a young university student named Annie from Italy walked with me the rest of the way and who I would see several more times on the way to St. James.
Phase 2 of My Camino — Tapping Into My Emotions Like Never Before
After about 8 days of walking, I entered into Phase 2 of my Camino, allowing me the opportunity to tap into my emotions and feelings which had remained below the surface during most of my life. During this new phase of self-discovery, I initially found myself counting the many blessings for the life the Lord had given me. I wanted to record my reflections so I could capture in real time the intense feelings I had for my wife, my three adult children, my grandchildren, my sons in law, my three siblings, and a number of very dear friends who have always been there for me. I also recorded the precious memories I have for the three members of my family who have now gone to God including my older brother Dennis, my big brother and best friend who died in May 1972 when I was a junior in high school and whose untimely death I have struggled with throughout my life and who my Camino is dedicated to; to my Dad who passed away in May 2011; and to my Mom who left us in November 2019. As I spoke into my camera, my heart was filled with lots of love and affection for the three people who have had a profoundly positive impact on my life.
However, as I departed Burgos on Day 12 and entered into the Meseta — that long stretch of the Camino Frances that extends through to Astorga and renowned for its long stages, empty landscapes, lack of shade, and its big skies — I decided to walk alone and began to dig much deeper into feelings and emotions that I had never tapped into before.
A steady rainfall during many of these days provided the perfect environment for self discovery and it was as if the Camino had a way of saying “Jack, don’t be afraid. Let go and let God do the rest. Just let it all out”. I reflected about how my brother Dennis’s passing had changed me and and my life’s trajectory, especially the financial pressures weighing on our family and the intense scrutiny and pressure that I faced during my senior year of high school. The challenge of moving on from a loss that I did not want to accept and the feeling that everyone was watching me and expecting me to step up and take his place. The disappointment and anger that raged inside of me knowing that the life I thought Dennis and I would have together as brothers and best friends would now not be possible nor would my big dream of going away to college and playing basketball for Coach Carril at Princeton University. During this emotional stage of the Camino, my tears were uncontrollable, coming down like buckets of water, particularly when I tapped into several topics that I was never comfortable enough to pursue in conversations with my Dad and one of my life’s major regrets.
I relived the most challenging period of my life when I was let go as the Head of US Research at Credit Suisse in May of 2003, a job that I loved and the impact of that loss on my wife and children and the difficulties I encountering in trying to redefine an identity that had been all wrapped up in that job and a 23 year successful career on Wall Street that I was not ready to leave; feeling deep regret and some anger that my career did not end on my own terms; and, the regret in not seeking therapy based on a long lived experience that I could fix anyone’s problems at any time including fixing myself;
Leaving My Rocks and Burdens Behind at Cruz de Ferro
“Every mountain, every valley thru each heartache you will see; Every moment brings you closer to who you were meant to be; Dear Younger Me, Dear Younger Me.” Lyrics from the song Dear Younger Me by MercyMe
Exploring those deeply held feelings about my past was a godsend for me and prepared me well for a very special moment that occurred on Day 25 of my Camino as I departed Rabanal del Camino for a much anticipated visit to Cruz de Ferro, a holy shrine where Pilgrims can place their rocks at an altar with each rock representing a burden you are asking the Lord to help you let go of. Every burden any of us carry — our regrets, the sins of our past, our transgressions, the anger and resentment we may be holding onto from past hurts, our setbacks in both our personal and work relationships, the dreams we may have had that never materialized as we had hoped, the collective weight of all of the losses we have experienced during our lives, and an endless list of anxieties I carried for my future — all of those burdens or rocks weigh a ton in the backpack we carry through life. Despite knowing that my sins have already been forgiven through the Sacrament of Reconciliation by an all-loving and merciful God and by those individuals whom I have hurt over my lifetime, too often we fail to forgive ourselves and so we continue to carry the weight of those burdens in our backpack.
My experience of placing each of my rocks before God and prayerfully asking Him for His mercy to release all of those burdens that have weighed me down was everything that I had hoped it would be and was one of the most gratifying moments of my Camino experience. I was so grateful that my friend Niall from Ireland was with me for that special moment as he had also lost a brother tragically when he was only 20 years old. That day also proved to be one of the most challenging days of my pilgrimage as the descent from Cruz de Ferro to Ponferrada of more than 900 meters took place over some of the rockiest terrain I had yet encountered and was made even more challenging by a heavy rain and intense fog that limited visibility. But with the burdens of my past now behind me, the Lord and the Camino blessed me once again with the presence of a young woman named Lily from Hungary who walked with me for the final 15 grueling miles to my albergue in Ponferrada. As I settled into my room, I kept humming the lyrics of one of my favorite spiritual songs by Van Morrison — Whenever God Shines His Light — and that great refrain “He’ll lift you up and he’ll turn you around and put your feet back up on higher ground”. Somehow the God I believe in had turned this broken 66-year old around and I was now more determined than ever to do the hard work ahead and become the man I know He has always wanted me to be.
The People You Meet on the Camino Lift You Up to the Higher Ground
“People may forget what you said but remember how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou, American poet
It’s interesting that on the Camino you meet new people every day that you had never met before. You also see people you have seen before but haven’t formally met them yet but there’s an acknowledgement by both parties that you recognize one another and there’s something super comforting about that. Then there are people you may have met at an earlier stage of the Camino and you have this awesome conversation with them but you never get to see them again which made me really sad. And part of the Camino’s Magic is that when you meet someone on the trail, you are amazed at how easy it becomes to talk to complete strangers and discuss some of the most personal things that are going on in your life like your family situation, what’s happening in your career, challenges you might be encountering in some of your relationships at home and at work, or sharing what it’s like to lose that special someone in your life. Whatever conversations take place, the Pilgrim whom you share your story with renders no judgement but simply listens and validates what it is you are feeling and sharing.
Some of the Pilgrims you meet on the Camino you walk with for days at a time until the itinerary changes or if they decide they want to go it alone for awhile or go with others on the trail. Other Pilgrims as well as the local people you meet help you find your “Way” when you miss one of the blue and yellow Camino signs like I experienced leaving several of the big cities of Pamplona, Logrono, and Burgos. The sharing of Pilgrim stories is one of the blessings I will treasure for the rest of my life because what it did for me was to humanize my Camino experience. It made me ever more grateful for the gift of God’s many blessings in this life but also made me more aware of the wide range of issues that all of us at some point in our lives struggle with and how many of us are looking for meaning and purpose in our lives and the best “Way” we can achieve that. I found that the more I shared my own story and struggles with fellow Pilgrims and that they in turn shared theirs with me, the clearer my intentions became for the future I want to live by and what I discerned that God was now calling me to do at this later stage of my life.
Phase 3 of My Camino: A Spiritual Reawakening to Live More Fully in the Now and Be More Present to the People I Love
“Day by day, day by day. Oh, dear Lord three things I pray: To see thee more clearly; love thee more dearly; follow thee more nearly, day by day.”
From the Off Broadway musical, Godspell (1971)
Looking back on my 34-day pilgrimage, I can see with clarity how the Camino has changed the way I will look at life and my future. The physical challenge tested my body and inner soul in a way that I had never experienced, allowing me to tap into those long held and deeply felt emotions and feelings I had been reluctant to unpack before. To be able to verbalize the things I needed to hear myself say and to others whom I love was liberating, healing, and a transformative experience of my body, my mind, and my inner soul. Leaving behind those lifelong burdens from my past and those anxieties of my future at Cruz de Ferro allowed me to embrace what the Lord is calling me to do at this stage of my life.
When you get the opportunity to walk 484 miles in a 34-day period you not only have time to reflect on your life but you begin to notice things that maybe you never had the time to see before. It reminds me of that great line at the end of the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off when Ferris is laying in his bed and says “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around, you might miss it.” For me, I was always self-absorbed in my career, a major project at work, or one of the many home improvement projects that I always seemed to gravitate to. I had trouble sitting in discomfort so I liked checking as many boxes as I could and always welcomed all the new tasks that now fell on my plate. It kept me busy. I was super productive. I loved new challenges and new mountains to climb as I was an overachiever. But in that experience, I often missed special real life “now” moments that I know I will never get back.
Fortunately, the Camino has given me so many special “now” moments that I will treasure for the rest of my life, especially having an opportunity to meet some really special Pilgrims from all over the world like Ella, Pak, Jun, and Yun from South Korea; Fr. Tim, Sheri, Kelly, and Luisa from Canada; Geraldine, Niall, Vinny, and Tina from Ireland; Fernando and Diego from Spain; Annie and Davida from Italy; Ria from Germany; Adam from England; Shana and Perry from The Netherlands; Esther from Belgium; Bobbie and George from Bulgaria; Dr. Lina and Sonya from Lithuania; Tamara from Croatia; Lily from Hungary; Cindy from New York; Barbara, Fr. Mike, and Dan from California; Steve, Pete, and Fr. Mike from Florida; Kerrie from South Carolina; and Dr. Constance from Virginia. Grateful to have been in so many”now” moments across Spain and to meet so many lovely Spanish people who went out of their way to take care of me and all the Pilgrims walking the Camino.
I am also super thankful for the opportunity I had to learn more about Spain’s rich culture and history and to see first-hand all of those breathtaking landscapes, the farmland, the majestic mountains, the beautiful sounds of nature itself, and especially the sound of all those cowbells ringing across the Spanish plains. To fully realize and appreciate that in all of my “now” moments on the Camino that I was also sharing my own history and walking on the same sacred ground that millions of other Pilgrims before me had also walked on during the past 1,000 years. How cool is that!
But the greatest gift I received on my Camino was to see more clearly God’s call for me to go back to my real life in New Jersey and to celebrate fully the gift of the present, of being in the “now” in every moment He blesses me with and with every person I get to interact with.
To just be my authentic, true self and the person I know I have been at times in my past and the person I can be and He wants me to be in the future — to be a better husband, a better father, a better friend, a better colleague, and a more engaged citizen of the world who can be a shepherd to those who don’t have one but are in need of one. If I can become the best version of myself, then I can truly become that person God has always wanted me to be.
I never could have completed this pilgrimage without the love, support, and constant words of encouragement from my wife Jean, my extended family, Fr. Hank Hilton SJ, and the friends and colleagues of the various communities I am privileged to be a part of. Now that I am back home with my bride of 41 years, I am looking forward to reconnecting with all of you and applying what the Camino has taught me in my everyday life.
Wishing my clients, friends, colleagues, and fellow coaches the gift of God’s abundant blessings and may you find your own “Way” to that inner peace that only He can provide!
Blessings and Buen Camino, Jack
