Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way as you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Matthew 7: 1-2
My Friend and Colleague Tom
I had a very profound experience recently, one that made me question how we should judge people. All of us whether we like to admit it or not judge people all the time and throughout our lives — our friends, our colleagues, our spouses/significant others, our family members. We also judge things around us all the time — things we like to do, food we like to eat, places we like to visit, etc. But what I have learned through sheer experience is that sometimes our judging skills don’t capture the full story of what that person we are judging may be dealing with in his or her own life.
A few weeks ago I had lunch with a former colleague of mine that I used to work with. My former colleague was highly accomplished, both academically and professionally having been a CEO of several companies. When I took on my leadership role at this institution, I had been warned that he was difficult to work with and was difficult to manage as faculty often like to march to their own tune rather than take directives from a Dean or other administrators. He is an older gentleman and I knew from other colleagues that he had strong opinions and a penchant for doing things his own way and on his own timeline.
Sure enough, my colleague and I had some difficult encounters early on but at least I felt that he was very sincere and well intentioned in his principles and his values and we grew fairly close while I was employed at that institution. In fact, he became a vocal supporter of mine towards the end of my tenure when I laid out in minute detail the kinds of things the institution needed to do if it wanted to be a serious player in undergraduate and graduate business education.
I had not heard from or seen my colleague since the summer of 2012. Several weeks ago I received an email from him which was just beautiful as he congratulated me for taking the hard stand I did when I had left the institution and to inform me that the University had finally implemented some of the very things which I had recommended at the end of my assignment. I must say that was gratifying especially coming from a colleague who as I said at the outset could be difficult and unwieldy. The morning of our lunch was a rather rainy day and one that the weatherman said would turn into a major snowstorm. I was going to meet him in south Jersey, about an hour’s drive from where I live, so I had the perfect excuse to cancel if I wanted to. I am so glad I went.
After exchanging pleasantries and enjoying the great food at one of my favorite restaurants — The Capital Grille — we had some coffee and he finally asked me how I was doing. I hesitated at first but began to open up about some of the great challenges I have had of late and some of the sadness that often engulfs a good part of my daily routine. I talked about how I missed my Dad more than ever — I missed his voice, his friendship, the conversation, and his long hugs when it was time to say goodbye. I talked about my worries for my Mom and for Bernie and Marie, my wife Jean’s parents; I relayed to my friend how difficult loss can be because for me what I have realized is that when you experience one loss like my Dad’s, you relive over and over again all of the other losses that are so near and dear to your heart like the loss of my older brother Dennis. And, that feeling of loss had been exacerbated by the arrival of adulthood for each of my children and the careers that would take them to the West Coast. I told him how difficult it was to have your children so far away and with that 3 hour time difference. Talking about these personal issues with anyone is difficult to say the least but for some reason my friend made me feel so comfortable in letting me share what was going on in my life.
But the greatest gift that day was the gift my friend gave back to me. You see when I opened up about my struggles and the difficulties I was having in moving forward, he in turn opened up to me on some of his own struggles. His wife has been in poor health for more than 2 years, something I knew a little bit about when I had worked with him earlier. Then my jaw dropped when he told me something much more personal that I will not divulge here but suffice it to say that it makes you realize how often we never really know the burdens that many of our colleagues, friends and even family members carry with them each and every day. They carry these burdens to work and they stay with them even when they are home. The burdens borne by this fine person would entail some major life changes at a time most men his age would be enjoying a fun-filled and well-deserved retirement. Its not the life him and his wife had planned at this stage of their life, but its what they had to do because they would always put the interests of their family first.
So I sat there and listened to my friend and then on the ride home I realized that I had an entirely new perspective on this person who I thought I knew. I thought about what an incredibly generous father and grandfather he had become for his family, something that wasn’t easily discernible from the conversations we had at work. Through his sometimes cold exterior and gruff manner lies a man who had a big heart and an incredible capacity to face adversity and all of the attendant pressures that come with raising not just your own family but your children’s family. He said “Jack, every family has issues and you just have to do the best you can”.
So what’s the moral or point in sharing this? I guess it’s that sometimes people act or behave in a way that is hard to understand or accept. They may be dealing with pressures and challenges that you would not wish on anyone. Compassion, forgiveness, second chances are compelling virtues. My friend is a bigger friend than I ever realized and I am very thankful that two grown men on a rainy day could share life’s struggles together in a way that gave me inspiration and hope that better days will come for him, his family and for me.
